Doctor Doctor Script: Tech Term 1 2014

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  • Director: Jonathan Lee
  • Mortician: Hunter (was the greatest mortician ever)
  • Head Makeup Girl (supposedly): Kenny Yin


Original

  • Mother: Will
  • Daughter: Hannah Hunt
  • Doctor: Lucas


  • Daughter: Mother! Mother! I have a pain!
  • Mother: A pain?
  • D: Yes, a pain!
  • M: Where?
  • D: Here
  • M: Here?
  • D: No, here
  • M: Here?
  • D: Yes, here
  • M: I’ll call the doctor (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
  • Doctor: Doctor’s office!
  • M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain! (daughter falls down dead)
  • Dr: A pain?
  • M: Yes, a pain!
  • Dr: Where?
  • M: Here
  • Dr: Here?
  • M: No, here
  • Dr: Here?
  • M: Yes, here
  • Dr: I’ll be right over (pause, doctor comes and stands right over daughter) Where is your daughter?
  • M: Here!
  • Dr: Here?
  • M: Yes, here!
  • Dr: I will take a look then (examines daughter) She’s dead!
  • M: Dead?
  • Dr: Yes, dead!
  • M: Dead as a doornail dead?
  • Dr: Yes, dead as a doornail dead!
  • M: Oh well, I guess I had better call the mortician (pause) Ring! Ring! RIng!
  • Mortician: Mort’s Mortuary. You kill ‘em, we chill ‘em
  • Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! (need comment!)


RC's

  • Kyle Dzwonkowski: Conor McAvoy
  • Sonja Wagner: Aleya Haney
  • Carson: Marley


  • Kyle: Sonja! Sonja! I have a pain!
  • Sonja: Kyle, you have a pain?
  • K: Yes, a pain!
  • S: Where?
  • K: Here!
  • S: Here?
  • K: No, here
  • S: Here?
  • K: Yes, here
  • S: (sarcastically) I’d put it in the group text, but I'm not about that waiting life. I guess I should probably give Carson a call (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
  • Carson: (enthusiastically) Hey this is Carson! What do you need?
  • S: I'm not gonna lie but Kyle has a pain! (Kyle drops down dead)
  • C: A pain?
  • S: Yes, a pain!
  • C: Where?
  • S: Here
  • C: Here?
  • S: No, here
  • C: Here?
  • S: Yes, here
  • C: Oh, well I’ll come but it might take a while (pause, walks in) Hey guys! (stands over Kyle) Where’s Kyle?
  • S: Here!
  • C: Here?
  • S: Yes, here!
  • C: It doesn’t look that bad, but I guess I’ll look at him (examines Kyle) Never mind, he’s dead
  • S: Dead?
  • C: Yes, dead!
  • S: Dead as your hair dead?
  • C: Yes, dead as my hair dead!
  • S: Oh, then I mean I should probably call the mortician, right?
  • (Mort was never cued on this one, so he never said his line)
  • Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! (says comments)


Walking to Class

  • TA: Tara Christensen
  • TiPster: Ashley Harriott
  • Super TA (Brian): Gabe


  • TiPster: TA! TA! I can't do all this walking! I have a pain!
  • TA: A pain?
  • TiPster: Yes, a pain!
  • TA: Where?
  • TIPSTER: Here!
  • TA: Here?
  • TIPSTER: No, here!
  • TA: Here?
  • TIPSTER: Yes, here!
  • TA: Alright then, I’ll call the super TA (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
  • Brian/Super TA: Hello, this is Brian the super TA
  • TA: Okay, so, umm, my student here has a pain! (TIPSTER dies)
  • STA: A pain?
  • TA: Yes, a pain!
  • STA: Where?
  • TA: Here!
  • STA: Here?
  • TA: No, here!
  • STA: Here?
  • TA: Yes, here!
  • STA: Ok, well, I’m in Skyles but I’ll be right over to Clough (comes and stands right over dead student) Where’s your TiPster?
  • TA: Here!
  • STA: Here?
  • TA: Yes, here!
  • STA: Okay, let me get her name off of her lanyard and then I’ll take a look (examines tipster) She’s dead!
  • TA: Dead?
  • STA: Yes, dead!
  • TA: Dead as my feet after a hard day of walking dead?
  • STA: Dead as my feet after a hard day of walking dead!
  • TA: Oh, I guess I should call the mortician (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
  • Mortician: Mort’s Mortuary. Walk all day, and you'll be here to stay
  • Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! (says remark about the sketch and comment for future sketches)


Woodruff Dining Hall

  • TiPster: Alexis
  • Sonja Wagner/RC: Charlotte Folinus
  • Peaches: Anna White


  • TiPster: RC! RC! There’s nowhere to sit! And my stomach hurts from this food - I have a pain!
  • RC/Sonja: Not gonna lie, the food here is gross. So you have a pain?
  • T: Yes, a pain!
  • R: Where?
  • T: Here!
  • R: Here?
  • T: No, here!
  • R: Here?
  • T: Yes, here!
  • R: Alright then, I’ll go ask Peaches (Pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
  • Peaches: (angrily) What do you want?
  • R: My TiPster has a pain! (TIPSTER dies)
  • P: A pain? Well, he was probably taking more than one slice of pizza!
  • R: Yes, a pain! It’s urgent and there’s nowhere to sit!
  • P: Where?
  • R: Here!
  • P: Here?
  • R: No, here!
  • P: Here?
  • R: Yes, here!
  • P: Fine I’ll be comin’ over soon (Pause, stands right next to TIPSTER) Where’s the student again?
  • R: Here!
  • P: Which one? This one here? (holding by lanyard)
  • R: Yes, that one!
  • P: Ugh well give me some space I’m gonna look at him (pause as PEACHES examines the body) He’s dead!
  • R: Dead as the flavor here dead?
  • P: Yes, dead as the flavor here dead!
  • R: Oh well, I should call the mortician then (Pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
  • Mortician: Mort’s Mortuary, You smother them, we'll cover them
  • Director: Cut! Cut! Cut!


World Cup

  • Player 1: Sterling Hoo
  • Player 2: Jacob Kennard
  • Referee: Bryce Tynes
  • Coach: Conor McAvoy


  • (PLAYER 1 has ball, PLAYER 2 makes light contact)
  • P1: (falls to ground) Ref! Ref! I have a pain!
  • Referee: (runs onto seen holding a red card) A pain? ¡Ay! ¿Dónde?
  • P1: ¡Aquí!
  • R: ¿Allí?
  • P1: (in a strong british accent) No, here on me bollly-wonkers (or some other nonsense word)
  • R: Bloody crap, here?
  • P1: No, here (all said while rolling on ground and moaning in pain)
  • R: Here?
  • P1: Yes, here
  • R: Oh, here. I’ll call over your coach (calls over coach) Your player has a pain (P1 dies)
  • Coach: A goooooaaaaaaaalllllll? Yes!!!! (gets extremely excited)
  • R: No, your player has an injury
  • C: A fooouuuuuullll? (becomes outrageous)
  • R: No, he’s faking an injury
  • C: (calm) OH, let’s see how he is (examines player) Oh my, he’s dead!
  • R: Dead?
  • C: Yes, dead!
  • R: Dead as Spain and Australia and England dead?
  • C: Yes, dead as Spain and Australia and England dead! I’ll call the mortician (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
  • Mortician: Mort’s Mortuary. You touch ‘em slightly, we’ll bury them rightly
  • Director: Cut! Cut! Cut!


Tip Plague

  • RC: Hannah Hunt
  • Jenna: Maya Igarashi
  • Carson: David Branch


  • RC: Carson! My RAG has a plague!
  • Carson: A plague?
  • R: Yes, a plague!
  • C: Where?
  • R: Here! (points to a TIPSTER, who then coughs and falls over)
  • C: Here? (points to a different TIPSTER)
  • R: No, here (points to a different TIPSTER, who then coughs and falls over)
  • C: Here? (points to a different TIPSTER)
  • R: Yes, here (points to a different TIPSTER, who then coughs and falls over)
  • C: Alright. Well, I’ll call Jenna (Pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
  • R: TIP at Tech main office!
  • C: Jenna, this RAG has a plague!
  • J: A plague?
  • C: Yes, a plague!
  • J: Where?
  • C: Here! (points to a TIPSTER, who then coughs)
  • J: Here? (points to a different TIPSTER)
  • C: No, here (points to a different TIPSTER, who then coughs)
  • J: Here? (points to a different TIPSTER)
  • C: Yes, here (points to a different TIPSTER, who then coughs)
  • J: Ok, I’ll be right over (pause, they all die just before Jenna walks in) Carson, where are the TiPsters?
  • C: Here!
  • J: Here?
  • C: Yes, here!
  • J: Ok, well I’ll give them a look (pauses, examines dead TIPSTERS) They’re dead!
  • C: Dead as my throat after getting the TIP plague dead?
  • J: Yes, dead as your throat after getting the TIP plague dead!
  • C: Ok, if you call Durham main office I’ll call the mortician (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
  • Mortician: Mort’s (starts coughing very dramatically) Mortuary