Doctor Doctor
From the unofficial Duke TIP Wiki
Doctor Doctor is a traditional fourth year skit. TIPsters play actors who are shooting a scene in which a daughter complains of a pain. The mother, after conversing, calls the girl's father. After they converse, the doctor is called. After they converse, the daughter is dead, and the Mortuary is called. Each time, the director calls cut, and demands that the scene be done in a different way. (Harry Potter, Kung-Fu, with more Emotion, etc..) Make up is called for, and the make up girls, wearing pajamas, come on stage and hit the actors with pillows. The roles are: Mother, Daughter, Doctor, Mortician, Director, and Make-Up People, which can be any number of people. The intent of Doctor Doctor is to be mildly offensive, while staying TiPpropriate.
"Doctor Doctor" has been a tradition at the East Term 1 talent show since 19__. It was Revived at East Term 2 ('05) by Lauren Thomas, Kim Levitt, Kristin Person, Claire Costantino, and Harrison Holcomb. (It was at West I '05, too, gang.)(and then don't forget West II '04. It was there too. So I do believe WE were first.) <-- No way. It was there East I '04.
At East Term II 2005, the styles were Normal (traditional-- no style), Zoolander, Valley Girl, Political, and TiP style.
The styles at East Term I 2006 were Traditional, In da Hood, Emo, Brokeback (Mountain, that is), Red State, ADF, and TiP. The cast was as follows:
- Director - Zoe Bockius-Suwyn
- Daughter - Brett Flora
- Mother - Brandon "Red" Clark
- Doctor - Chris Cohen
- Mort - Taylor
- Makeup Girls - Roxi Pastore, Annie Bethea, Martha Cullen, Mac Herring, Chelsea Brown, Erin Heim, Peggy Nelling, Emily Manning, Neha Kohli(add on the missing ones please!)
Memorable lines include: "You can't marry them, but we'll still bury them", "Child, why are you calling me? You know Roots is on!"
Doctor Doctor calls for a line describing how dead the daughter is (i.e., "dead as in dead as TiP traditions dead?"), and when the mortician calls, a rhyming "motto" is used for Mort's Mortuary (i.e., "Mort's Mortuary, you find a young writer, we'll gas her up and light 'er.", or "Mort's Mortuary, if your career is as bad as Ralph Nader's, we'll take you out like Darth Vader.")
Doctor Doctor was also the staff skit at Davidson's talent show at Term II 2005. Their themes were Emotional, Kung-Fu, and Mimed. At Term 1 '05, the themes were kung-fu, mimed, and Gone with the Wind.
At West I 2007, the styles were Traditional, Prep, Stoner, Ebonics, and 1337 (Leet). There was also an ongoing style, Tony Time, which played off of RC Tony Manela's expectations concerning earliness. In between each style, Tony's RAG would run onstage, calling for Tony, and would then be shooed off by the Director.
[edit] DUKE EAST TERM I 2007 SCRIPT
The script at Duke East Term 1, 2007, was written by Natalie Jacewicz, Evan Welber, and Emma Johnson.
- Doctor: Neil Kimball
- Mort: Robert Duffley
- Mother: Alex Smith
- Daughter: Evan Welber
- Director: Sarah Welty
D: Mother, Mother, I have a pain.
M: A pain?
D: Yes, a pain.
M: Where?
D: Here
M: Here?
D: no, here.
M: Here?
D: Yes, here.
M: I’ll call the doctor (ring ring)
Doc: Hello?
M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain (daughter falls down dead)
Doc: A pain?
M: yes, a pain.
Doc: where?
M: here
Doc: here?
M: no, here
Doc: here?
M: yes, here
Doc: I’ll be right over. (doc arrives and examines girl) Ma’am, this girl is dead
M: dead as in a doornail dead?
Doc: yes, dead as in a doornail dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)
Mort: Mort’s mortuary, you take ‘em down, we’ll put ‘em in the ground
Doc: we’ve got a dead girl here
Mort: dead as in dead as a doornail dead?
Doc: yes, dead as in dead as a doornail dead
Mort: I’ll be right over (Mort arrives) I see a dead maiden….
Director: CUT!!!!! That CRAP kind of made me want to take my own life. Let’s do something a little more logical, a little more mathematical, a little more TI-83! Westies! Great! Makeup!
D: Mother, Mother, it would appear I have a pain slightly above my pancreas.
M: Slightly above your pancreas? That’s absurd! Your pancreas is located here!
D: No, no, no, according to my hypothesis, my pancreas must be right here!
M: Well, according to Louie Pasteur’s germ theory of diseases, it would be most logical to assert that the pancreas would be right here!
D: Oh really? Well, while I was dissecting that frog in my lab, it appeared that its pancreas was located just below here!
M: Fine, fine, fine, think what you must. I’ll call the doctor. (ring ring)
Doc: Hello? You just interrupted me doctoral dissertation on the wave particle duality of carbon!
M: My sincerest apologies because I too am writing a thesis on the wave particle duality of carbon. However, my daughter has a pain. (daughter dies)
Doc: Indubitably! But where?
M: Here.
Doc: Here?
M: No, three over pi radians to the right.
Doc: Here?
M: No, more along the ventral side of the specimen.
Doc: Oh, here?
M: Justifiably so.
Doc: I’ll be right over. Beam me up Scotty! (arrives) By my calculations, your daughter has ceased to complete bodily functions and is now entering rigor mortis.
M: What, she’s dead? Dead as in our staff in the East v. West ultimate frisbee game?
Doc: Yes, dead as in our staff in the East v. West frisbee game. I shall now request the presence of the mortician. (ring ring)
Mort: Mort’s Mortuary, you can calculate without a blunder? So what! You’re still six feet under.
Doc: A westie is dead!
Mort: dead as in Darwinism in Kansas dead?
Doc: Yes, dead as in Darwinism in Kansas dead.
Mort: I’ll be right over.
Director: Cut, cut, cut. Why don’t you go solve a rubrics cube or some sort of… CRAP. This was just too offensive. We need something more universal, more caring, accepting, nay, benevolent! Let’s try politically correct style! Makeup!
D: Mother, I have a pain!
M: Now, now, now. There’s no pain in a mixed household.
D: But I feel that I do have a pain! But it’s no where near as bad as the pain of starving children in Eritrea! It’s here.
M: Here? (points to frown)
D: No, here.
M: Here? (holds hands over heart)
D: Yes, here. (holds hands over heart)
M: I’ll call the pediatrician! (ring ring)
Doc: (in a heavy Indian accent) Hello?
M: I have a hard time understanding you, but I still respect your culture. After all, we have lots of Indian friends.
Doc: That is very nice. So what is wrong?
M: My daughter has a pain, but surely it isn’t parallel to the pain felt by people under a communist regime.
Doc: Where? Here?
M: No, here.
Doc: Here?
M: No, here.
Doc: Here?
M: Yes, here.
Doc: I’ll be right over, but of course I’ll break for animals and stop by a soup kitchen! (arrives) Ms., is it alright if I call you Ms.? Your daughter seems to have moved on to a better place. She’s dead.
M: Dead as in human morality dead?
Doc: Yes, dead as in human morality dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)
Mort: Mort’s Mortuary, The world may be unhappy, but we’ll bury you snappy!
Doc: This sweet little girl is with the angles now. Non-denominational angels, of course. She’s dead.
Mort: Dead? Dead as in the polar bears on melting glaciers dead?
Doc: Yes, dead as in the polar bears on melting glaciers dead.
Mort: I’ll be right over. (turns to audience) call now and prevent this from happening to you!
Director: Cut! I’m sick of this PC CRAP! I’d rather listen to Ann Coulter lecture for three hours than listen to this! Hmmmmmm. We should, we should do it, you know what? (Turns to audience) What do you fourth years out there think? How do we do it?
Audience member: DOGGY STYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs up and down audience yelling for a while, then hits a wall)
Director: Yeah, Yeah, I’m feelin’ it! Doggy Style! Do it!
(mother and daughter bark for a while. Daughter lifts leg as if to relieve self, director rushes on stage)
Director: NO!! That is NOT Tipropriate. Let’s try to connect more with our literarily inclined audience. It needs to be brilliant! Erudite! Magical! (british accent) HARRY POTTER STYLE!
D: Professor McGonagall, I have a pain!
M: What is this pain of which you speak? Ten points from Gryffindor!
D: I’m sensing Voldemort! I fear his presence! (shudder)
M: Where?
D: Here! (points to forehead)
M: (can’t see, points wand at elbow) Here?
D: (elbow hurt, grabs elbow) No, there!
M: (points wand at foot) Here?
D: (foot hurt, grabs foot) No, over there!
M: (points wand at crotch) There?
D: (crotch hurt, grabs crotch) No! Definitely not there!
M: (points wand at forehead) There?
D: Yes! Here!
M: I’ll summon Madame Pomphrey! (ring ring)
Doc: With what nonsense do you come to me at this late hour?
M: (drop h’s in attempt to make English accent) Harry here has been horribly hurt!
Doc: Bless my knickers, what in the name of the queen did you just say?
M: Harry has a pain! (D dies)
Doc: a pain?
M: yes, a pain!
Doc: Where?
M: (drop h’s) Here!
Doc: Ear?
M: No, here!
Doc: That’s what I just said, ear!
M: No, here!
Doc: Ok, ear! I’ll be there in a jiffy! (arrives and examines girl) McGonagall, Harry is dead!
M: dead as in JK Rowling’s career after Harry Potter dead?
Doc: Yes, dead as in JK Rowling’s career after Harry Potter dead. I’ll summon the mortician! (ring ring)
Mort: Mort’s Mortuary, A death despite a horcrux, simply means your plot sucks.
Doc: JK killed off another one! Harry’s dead!
Mort: Dead as in the plot line during a quidditch game dead?
Doc: Yes, dead as in the plot line during a quidditch game dead.
Mort: I’ll be right over. (arrives) Why is Harry Potter wearing a skirt?
Director: Cut! I’d rather get my soul sucked out by a dementor then listen to this… CRAP! You make Daniel Radcliff’s acting look good! We need something more inspirational, spontaneous, random… I know, Ab Psych style! Ok, makeup!
D: Mommy, mommy, I have a pain!
M: A pain, where?
D: (sucks on a lolli pop)
M: Honey? (waves hand in front of face) Honey, where’s your pain?
D: I like muffins!
M: (taps kid) Where does it hurt?
D: Mommy, can I have a pony?
M: Pain! Where’s your pain!
D: (slowly looks toward M) (demonic voice) I feel no pain!
M: You said you had a pain!
D: (high pitched) Chicken! Chicken chicken chicken!
M: (smacks kid. D chokes on lolli. Dramatically dies.) Umm, I guess I’ll call the doctor now. (ring ring) (ring ring) (ring ring) (ring ring) (ring ring) (ring ring)
Doc: Oh, hey! What’s up?
M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain!
Doc: (very seriously) I’m sorry, I’m lactose intolerant.
M: Oh, me too! But anyway, my daughter has a pain!
Doc: (walks away. Doddles around on stage.)
M: Hello?! Hello?! Here, Here! She has a pain right here! Hello?! A pain! Hello?!!! (hangs up. Calls doctor on cell phone.) (ring ring)
Doc: (answers cell phone) Hello?
M: My daughter has a pain!
Doc: A pain! Why didn’t you say so! I’ll be right over! (has doddled over right next to mother. Realizes this) Oh, hello!
M: my daughter! (points to daughter)
Doc: Ma’am, your daughter’s dead, but I just saved hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico!
M: Dead! Dead as in my relationship with my husband after we had this child dead?
Doc: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighttttsiovhosiehbvoudiyfr. (pause) I’ll call the mortician! (ring ring)
Mort: Mort’s mortuary, we’re sorry for your expiration, you should have taken your medication.
Doc: Yes, I’d like a large cheese pizza with pepperoni and sausage and toothpaste, squirrel, and mint!
Mort: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighttttkjsoivhoiphf. I assume you have a dead body. I’ll be right over. (walks over and is attacked by Doctor)
Director: Cut, cut! I’m bored….. with your CRAP! We need something with more wit, more intelligence, more top quarter of the top one percent of kids in America! I got it! Tip style! Make-up!
D: Roommate, I have a pain!
M: A pain?
D: yes, a pain.
M: where?
D: here
M: here?
D: no, here
M: here?
D: yes, here
M: I’ll call Super RC. (ring ring)
Doc: Hello?
M: my roommate has a pain! (d dies)
Doc: I don’t care if your roommate has a pain! This is a cell phone violation! (hangs up)
M: sigh (yells) Help, Super RC, my roommate has a pain!
Doc: (yells back) A pain?
M: (still yelling) yes, a pain!
Doc: (yells) where?
M: (y) here!
Doc: (y) here?
M: (y) no, here!
Doc: (y) here?
M: (y) yes, here!
Doc: (y) I’ll be right over. (arrives)
M: stop, stop! Don’t go any further! We’ll have a visitation violation!
Doc: I’m an RC
M: Oh yea…
Doc: It appears that this tipster is dead!
M: dead as in the kids who bought knives at native threads dead?
Doc: yes, dead as in the kids who bought knives dead. I’ll call the mortician!
Mort: Mort’s Mortuary, you take him to the OSC, we’ll spread his ashes into the sea.
Doc: we’ve got a dead tipster here
Mort: dead as in tip traditions dead?
Doc: yes, dead as in tip traditions dead.
Mort: I’ll be right over, right after this musical tribute!!!
SONG!
SPEECH!
FIN!
[edit] DUKE EAST TERM II 2007 SCRIPT
This edition of Doctor, Doctor was brought to you by Charlie Williams and Caro Ragolta, and is considered by the people who matter to be the best Doctor, Doctor ever. It was performed with scripts due to the reluctance of the actors to learn their lines.
Styles: Normal, Ye Olden Times, Text-Speak, Suburban Rap Culture, Pirates v. Ninjas, Disney Musical (not performed), ADF, Harry Potter, TiPster
CAST Child: Sara Broussard
Mother: Will Nance
Father: Thor Tobiassen
Doctor: Sass Williamson
Mortician: Charley Snyder
Director: Caro Ragolta
Ninja/Script Girl: Charlie Williams
"Understudy": Kevin Kimball
Hair & Makeup: Jessica Stewart, JJ Haines, Matt Goldberg, James Sadler, Mia Hassoun, Emily Sharp, Sarah Lowe, Maddie Scott, Stacy Lanier, Anna Rowe Dennis
CHILD: Mother, I have a pain!
MOTHER: A pain? Where?
C: Here!
M: Here?
C: No, here!
M: Here?
C: No, here!
M: I’ll call your father.
FATHER: Yes, dear?
C: I have a pain!
M: She has a pain!
F: A pain? Where?
C: Here!
F: Here?
C: No, here!
F: Here?
C: No, here!
F: I’ll call the doctor.
DOCTOR: Did someone call for a doctor?
C: I have a pain!
M: She has a pain!
F: She has a pain!
D: A pain? Where?
C: Here!
D: Here?
C: ACK! *dies*
M: Do you have a diagnosis?
D: She’s dead.
F: But how?
D: It could be exhaustion, flu, or poison.
M: Then what do we do?
D: I’ll call the mortuary.
MORTICIAN: Mort’s Mortuary, you hack ‘em, we pack ‘em!
DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut! That was horrid! And what is this! You call yourselves actors? You were supposed to be off book a week ago! Let's do it again, but it needs to be…darker, more...Ye Olden Times style. Do it right! I want to be able to smell the sewage! Hair! Makeup!
HAIR & MAKEUP: *hit with pillows*
C: Mummy! I haveth a pain!
M: A pain? Where doth such pain be-eth?
C: Here-eth!
M: Here-eth?
C: Nay, here-eth!
M: Here-eth?
C: Nay, here-eth!
M: I shalt summon thine father.
F: Thou hath summoned me?
C: Forsooth, I haveth a pain!
M: Alas! She hath a pain!
F: Anon! A pain? Where-eth?
C: Here-eth!
F: Here-eth?
C: Nay, here-eth!
F: Here-eth?
C: Nay, here-eth!
F: I shalt summon the apothecary.
D: Thou hast need for my physic?
C: Alas! I haveth a pain!
M: She hath a pain!
F: She hath a pain!
D: A pain? Where be-eth such pain?
C: Here-eth!
D: Here-eth?
C: And thus, I expire. *dies*
M: Can’t thou proffer a diagnosis?
D: She hath expired!
F: But why?
D: It could be plague, smallpox, or dysentery.
M: Whatsoever shalt we do?
D: I shalt summon the mortician.
MORT: Mort’s Mortuary, You lose in a duel, we'll grind you into gruel
DIR: Cut! Cut! Our audience is not going to be able to relate to that at all. It needs to be more...modern. Let's see it Text Speak style! Hair! Makeup!
H & M: *hit with pillows*
C: Like OMG, IHAP
M: A pain? Where?
C: Ugh. *rolls eyes* Here!
M: Here?
C: NW, here!
M: Here?
C: WTF, it’s right here!
M: I’ll call your DAD.
F: Yes, dear?
C: IHAP!
M: She has a P!
F: A P? Oh! A pain! Where?
C: Here!
F: Here?
C: OMG, here!
F: Here?
C: JK LOL it’s right here!
F: I’ll call the DR.
D: Did someone call for a doctor?
C: OMG, IHAP!
M: She HAP!
F: She has a P!
D: A P? Oh! A pain! Where?
C: Like, here!
D: Here?
C: TTFN! *dies*
M: So, like, what’s up?
D: She’s dead!
F: WTF! How?
D: It could be thumb exhaustion, epilepsy, or foul play from her BFF Jill.
M: TISNF!
D: I’ll call the mortuary.
MORT: Mort’s Mortuary, LOL ROFLCOPTER BBQ we’z here 4 u!
DIR: Cut! Cut! Let me put it in terms you can understand…OMG, that sucked. It needs an edge, it needs…suburban rap culture style! Hair! Makeup!
H & M: *hit with pillows*
C: Yo sexy mama, I got shot up!
M: Say what?! Where at?
C: Here-izzle!
M: Fo shizzle?
C: No, foo! Here-izzle!
M: Fo shizzle?
C: No, foo! Here-izzle!
M: I’ll getcha daddy.
F: Sup?
C: I got shot up!
M: She got shot up!
F: Say what?! Where at?
C: Here-izzle!
F: Fo shizzle?
C: No, foo! Here-izzle!
F: Fo shizzle?
C: No, foo! Here-izzle!
F: I’ll call the doc.
D: Yo, foo, what’s up?
C: I got shot up!
M: She got shot up!
F: She got shot up!
D: Fo sho? Where at?
C: Here-izzle!
D: Fo shizzle?
C: I’m out. *dies*
M: So wuzzup?
D: She be gone.
F: Say what?! How?
D: It could be playa hata syndrome, do-rag suffocation, or death by posing. I’ll call the mortuary.
MORT: Mort’s Mortuary, You get cut up, we’ll pick you up!
DIR: Cut! Cut! Where was the action?! Let's see it again, pirates vs. ninjas style. Hair! Makeup!
H & M: *hit with pillows*
C: Arrrr! Shiver me timbers! I have a pain in me body!
M: What say ye, scurvy dog? Where?
C: Here!
M: Here?
C: Nay, lady, here!
M: Here?
C: Nay, here!
M: I’ll summon the first mate.
F: Ahoy there! Whatcha be needin?
C: I have a pain in me body!
M: She has a pain in her body!
F: A pain? Where?
C: Here!
F: Here?
C: Nay, here!
F: Here?
C: Nay, here!
F: I’ll get ye the cap’n.
D: Avast! Ye summoned me?
C: I have a pain in me body!
M: She has a pain in her body!
F: She has a pain in her body!
D: Yarr! A pain? Where?
C: Here!
D: Here?
C: *sees ninja* I’m off to Davy Jones! *ninja breaks neck*
M: What be the problem, cap’n?
D: She’s off to Davy Jones!
F: Yar! How?
D: It could be scurvy, rum poisoning, or the black spot.
M: *Shudders* The black spot…
D: I’ll call the mortuary from my piratey satellite phone.
MORT: Mort’s Mortuary, they go to Davy Jones, we’ll take care of the bones.
DIR: Cut! Cut! What WAS that?! WHERE WERE THE NINJAS? It needs...Disney musical style. Ninjas, er, Hair! Makeup!
H & M: *hit with pillows*
NOTE: THE FOLLOWING STYLE WAS CUT FROM THE ACTUAL SKIT BECAUSE NEITHER SASS, WILL, NOR THOR COULD SING. THE DIRECTOR'S LINE ABOVE WAS CHANGED TO: "...It needs...sparkle! It needs culture! It needs high brow! It needs...no pants. Let's see it ADFer style. Hair! Makeup!"
C: *to the tune of A whole new world* I have a pain!
M: Shining, shimmering, splendid!
C: A whole new pain! *points*
M: Don’t you dare close your eyes!
C: *Points* A new fantastic sort of pain!
M: Hold your breath it gets better!
C: *points* But when I’m way up here, it’s crystal clear that now I have a whole new pain…
M: I’ll call your father.
F: Yes, princess?
C: *to the tune of Be Our Guest* I have pain!
M: She’s got a pain!
F: What do you mean, she has a pain?
C: It hurts here!
F: Does it hurt here?
C: No, it hurts here!
F: Are you sure here?
C: No, it hurts here!
F: Don’t you worry, I will call the doctor for you!
D: Did someone call for a doctor?
C: *to the tune of I Just Can’t Wait to be King* I think I’ve got a mighty pain!
M: Like no one’s felt before!
F: I’ve never heard a pain like this, just listen to her roar!
D: Thus far a rather uninspiring thing…
C: Oh, I have a really bad pain!
D: Oh, you have a really bad pain?
C: *to the tune of Hi ho…* Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to death I go! *dies*
M: Oh doctor, doctor, what is wrong?
D: She’s dead, she’s dead, she’s dead, she’s dead, she’s dead!
F: But how?
D: It could be poison apple, finger prickage, or really horrific, straight to DVD sequel syndrome.
M: Then what do we do?
D: I’ll call the mortuary.
MORT: Mort’s Mortuary, Trampled by wildebeest? We’ll prepare your final feast!
DIR: Cut! Cut! That was horrid! Let’s do it more…ADFer style. Hair! Makeup! H & M: *hit with pillows*
C: *dances*
M: What?
C: *dances*
M: Huh?
C: *dances*
M: What are you doing?
C: *dances*
M: I’m calling your father if you don’t open your mouth! Are you prepared to deal with that?
F: Yes, dear?
C: *dances*
M: Your daughter has finally lost it. I have no idea what’s going on.
F: We never should’ve sent her to that godforsaken American Dance Festival!
C: *dances*
F: What?
C: *dances*
F: SPEAK UP!
C: *dances*
F: Fine. I’m calling the doctor…maybe she can open your mouth FOR you!
D: Did someone call for a doctor?
C: *dances*
M: We’re so lost!
F: Help us!
D: Hmmm…
C: *dances*
D: I see…
C: *dies*
M: Doctor! What happened!
D: It’s far too high brow for you. Obviously she was making a powerful commentary on the fragility of life and the thin line between brilliance and hysteria.
F: Huh? So she’s dead?
D: It could be overexposure to pretention, too tight toe shoes, or hypothermia from insufficient clothing.
M: Then what do we do?
D: I’ll call the mortuary.
MORT: Mort’s Mortuary, they might dance, but at least we wear pants!
DIR: Cut! Cut! Our audience will NOT understand that! What it needs is...magic, yes, magic! Let's do it Harry Potter style! Hair! Makeup!
H & M: *hit with pillows*
C: Professor McGonagall, I have a pain!
M: A pain, Potter? Where?
C: Here!
M: Here?
C: No, here!
M: Here?
C: No, here!
M: I’ll call the potions master.
F: Yes, Minerva?
C: Snape! I have a pain!
M: He has a pain!
F: Of course you have a pain, Potter. Where?
C: Here!
F: Here?
C: No, here!
F: Here?
C: No, here!
F: I’ll call Dumbledore.
D: Did someone call Dumbledore?
C: I have a pain, Professor!
M: He has a pain!
F: He has a pain…of course.
D: A pain? Where?
C: Here!
D: Here?
C: No! The killing curse! *dies*
M: Albus, what happened?
D: He’s dead.
F: But how?
D: It could be a blast-ended skrewt, Voldemort, or a particularly obvious plothole.
M: Then what do we do?
D: I’ll call the mortuary.
MORT: Voldemort’s Mortuary, They Avada Kedavra, then we’ll have ya!
DIR: Cut! Cut! *shakes head* I don't even know what that was. And you...*grabs Mother*...who ARE you?! When did I hire you! You're FIRED! UNDERSTUDY! Where's the...yes. Ok. And...script girl. Please, just...show them how to do it right.
SCRIPT GIRL: Oh...ok...first page of the last chapter...(Charlie improved something about Voldemort & Harry making sweet, sweet love.)
DIR: Yes, that is how you do Harry Potter. But let's try something simpler. Let's try it...TIPster style. Hair! Makeup!
H & M: *hit with pillows*
C: Mike Sori, Mike Sori, I have a pain!
UNDERSTUDY: That’s completely ridiculous. I have a joke: Why did the plane crash?
C: But I have a pain!
U: No no no, wait, because it was being flown by a loaf of bread.
C: BUT I HAVE A PAIN!
U: Cause like…bread can’t fly planes…
C: MIKE SORI, I AM IN PAIN!
U: It wasn’t Wonderbread or anything…I’ll call Sam.
F: Did someone call for the OSC?
C: I have a pain...but suddenly, I feel better!
U: I have a joke!
F: I really wanna hear it, Mike, just give me a minute. First I have a joke.
C: What?! I have a pain!
F: So these two seals, right, are sitting in a bathtub full of warm Crisco…
C: IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!
F: And the first seal turns to the second seal and says, “Can you pass the soap?”
C: MY MOTHER IS NOT PAYING $3000 TO HEAR YOUR STUPID JOKES!
F: And the second seal goes, what do I look like, a typewriter?
C: Where’s John Birch!!!
F: Fine, I’ll get the RLC.
D: Did someone call for John Birch?
C: Oh, thank God! I am in pain!
U: I have a joke!
F: I’ve got a better joke!
D: Hold on you guys, I really wanna hear these, but first, where does it hurt?
C: Here!
D: *Points to correct place* Here?
C: OH FOR THE LOVE OF LLAMA! *dies*
U: Dude, so, what happened? This is completely ridiculous.
D: She’s dead.
F: TIP does NOT have the resources to deal with that! I am NOT cool with that.
D: It could be falling off a bunk, inappropriate dancing, or fear of Zach induced coronary.
M: Then what do we do?
D: I’ll call Mia.
MORT: Mia’s Mortuary, you find a young writer, we’ll gas her up and light her!
DIR: Cut! Cut! That was perfect! So true to life…
AND, SCENE!
- BOW*
